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There you were, looking down at him.  He seemingly stares right back at you as he clings to the wall.  He thought it would be just another boring day, hopeful to snag another meal as it catches on an invisible unsuspecting trap.  He decided that the area right between your wall and the desk would be a great location, plenty of open air and just inside the doorframe a nice shadow that would hide any indication of a web.  The stare down continues as you tremble.  You are about 100x the size of this poor little arachnid, a non-poisonous variety.  As you suddenly shift your weight, he bolts a few inches forward, and stops.  You suddenly shake with fear.  You know that this spider can’t hurt you, yet you are terrified.  You aren’t sure if you should squash him….Maybe catch him and bring him outside?  That’s a tough one, he could escape and even latch onto your skin!

It may depend on where you live, but where I’m from there are no lethal spiders hanging around in my home.  You may find the occasional spider in a corner or door frame.  They are just looking to catch some flies, or other little insects.  However, I’ve seen so many friends and colleagues shriek and run from these tiny creatures!  These little guys really can’t harm you unless you have a rare allergy.  It’s interesting how some people have literally no problem even cradling one into their hand.  Heck some people even keep them as pets.

So why do we get so worked up over a spider?  Is there an innate fear of them?  Maybe we’ve learned as a child that spiders are scary lethal creatures.  Often times their webs are associated with scary places.  Even as an adult, you can be afraid of spiders even though you realize they pose no real threat.  Its as if there is something inside you that causes uncontrollable fear.  This example can be applied to many other fears and insecurities we have.

The fear comes from the subconscious.  The subconscious mind is always present, working in the background running on autopilot.  The less you notice it, the better.  The subconscious mind’s job is make sure you act and behave according to your beliefs and habits.  What do you like to eat?  Healthy food or delicious food?  Are you on a ‘new’ diet but typically you like to eat for taste?  Your subconscious will rebel when your guard is down, trying to tempt you back into breaking your attempt to eat healthy.  It also is responsible for principles you believe in.  If you have strong religious or political beliefs, anytime you hear an argument that challenges your beliefs, you will probably want to disprove them or come up with arguments as to why they are wrong.

If there is a sudden loud and unexpected noise, typically you will gasp or turn your head in that direction.  This is also your subconscious.  You didn’t actively decide to check, you just did in that split second.

Who is the Real Me?

So the question becomes who am I really?  If the subconscious mind is making my choices for me, do I really even know myself?  Sometimes you do, and sometimes you don’t.  You know what your favorite color is, what kind of food you like, whether or not you like your current job, your favorite TV shows.  But some of the beliefs and ideas that drive you may remain hidden.  This includes both the good and the bad, such as tendencies that lead to habitual responses.  This could be social behaviors, like when a person eats the last donut and doesn’t throw the box away.  People complain about this behavior and he knows he’s guilty but continues to do it anyway.  People do funny things at the will of their subconscious mind.  You might be guilty of a number of things that you have no idea you are doing!  One of my own behaviors was to leave dresser drawers open after removing clothes, and then find them open later and wonder why they were still open.

The fact of the matter is that our subconscious mind is in control most of the time.  This can make it really difficult to perceive ourselves when we are out in the real world.  We make numerous decisions each and every day and do not realize it.  It guides and steers our life in a very specific direction.  That direction is the overall life picture you currently have.  The subconscious mind has one goal: to keep the status quo.  The overall picture of your life tends to remain the same unless you force yourself out of your comfort zone.  Don’t believe it?  If you were able to chart your thoughts and emotions every day over the course of a month or two, a very apparent pattern would emerge.  It’s like your mind has a schedule for thoughts and feelings.  This is how your subconscious operates, keeping you mostly in the same circumstances over time.

The Disconnect

So the ultimate disconnect is between who you really are, and who you think you are.  This is because you do things you aren’t aware of all the time.  You may think you’re a very reserved person, but if you mention a certain topic, you become very bold!  This is true of a multitude of things.  Becoming more aware of who we really are will allow us to focus our efforts and perspectives on changing things we want.  After all, how can you change something if you aren’t aware its there in the first place?

Now that you understand this chasm between you and yourself exists, its time to start observing yourself.  Take note of little quirks here and there.  A lot of things you can ignore, but if you find yourself avoiding doing things you’d really prefer to do, then you’ve found something important.  Usually discomfort is the sign that you’ve discovered something that your subconscious is trying to hide from you.

Human beings are very funny creatures.  Our subconscious minds make up stories in our heads to tell us each and every day.  These stories drive us in different directions.  Its almost as if we are being pushed around without any input as to where we want to go.  The truth of the matter is, we can change course at any time! But this requires specific techniques in order to do so.  I will post more on this later.  For now, give yourself a chance to observe yourself and understand the way your brain works.  Your subconscious mind is running the show, but you still have a voice.  Observation is the first powerful step to any kind of change.  Practice observing yourself, but don’t judge too harshly!  Most people are too worried about themselves to notice.

A very common problem people face are their insecurities.  Insecurities are those areas of your life or your personality that sneaks up on you.  They hide in the background waiting to pounce and make you feel awful.  Perhaps they cause you to behave very badly.  This is the essence of insecurity.

How can you tell if someone is insecure?  The person will hide something.  Leaving out bits of truth or details about the subject matter, typically indicates they are insecure.  Why hold back if you are comfortable with the subject matter?  Some people are great at identifying insecurities in other people, but don’t seem to have the slightest handle on their OWN insecurities.  Interesting how that works…. However, it does make sense because its much easier to observe others than it is to observe yourself.

Do you ever feel like you get extremely uncomfortable during certain daily activities?  Maybe when you are interacting with friends, you find that certain subject matters come up in discussion, and you suddenly feel a bit off.  This can be anything really.  An example from youth and teenage years, had to do with girls.  I was very insecure about my inability to talk to girls that I found attractive.  Whenever other guy friends would bring up this type of conversation concerning their girlfriends or girls they were looking to talk to, I would get very uptight and uncomfortable.

Now this can be something relate to, or you could be insecure about many different things.  Another good example is money.  Lots of people do not want others to know how much money they earn, or how much debt they are in.  They feel as though this might be considered an area of weakness, or or are worried people will look down on them.  Regardless, this is an area of insecurity.

So we all have insecurities.  But it is not an all-or-nothing phenomenon.  How insecure we are about an insecurity also plays in a role in how much discomfort or pain it brings when confronted with it.  So the question I would ask is NOT: “How can I eliminate those insecurities?” but instead: “what can I do to lessen the impact of those insecurities?”

So what can you do?  Well you can address each insecurity on its own of course.  You single out a specific area of your life, or rather a subject matter that gives you problems, and dig into the origins of it.  It is often useful to understand the nature of your insecurities so that you may find a way to address the reasons why they continue to be a problem.  However, if the insecurity is leading you to undesirable behaviors, you only need to develop a new response/reaction and behavior as it relates to the issue that causes it.  Such as, you become frustrated and angry when you detect that someone is not listening to you during a conversation.  You don’t need to go back to your past and relive the days when a parent or authority figure ignored you because you were a child.  Instead you can understand on a cognitive level that someone’s attention may wane not because they don’t value your input, but instead because they simply got distracted.  How many times have you been listening to someone, and got sidetracked by your own thoughts?  You can influence this behavior by simply putting yourself in the shoes of the person across from you, and you’ll likely restrain your anger, versus your typical frustration.

Another technique I like to use to lessen the sting of insecurities are by addressing them on the whole.  I’ve learned that for myself, insecurities typically stem from a likening to what other people think of me.  I let the opinions of others have a profound effect on my behavior.  This allows any truthfulness of my insecurities push me away from opening up to people about them.  The trickle down effect is exactly what I stated earlier, in that I will suddenly become uncomfortable when conversations or subject matters come up.  In response to this, I recommend working on coaching myself (and others) on focusing your thoughts away from the opinions of others.  How often do the opinions of others have a direct impact on you?  How important is the opinion of another person on your current state?  What you think the person’s opinion about you may be incorrect anyway?

By discarding emotional baggage dedicated to worrying about other’s opinions, you can empower yourself greatly.  Insecurities across your entire life, can simply dissolve when you stop allowing yourself to worry about the opinions others have about you.  The goal is not to entirely remove or destroy insecurities, but you can greatly diminish their impact, if you don’t mind what others think of it.  Give yourself the space to live without ridicule.  This is a powerful way to minimize the pain of insecurity.  Sometimes others are actually dealing with similar problems and can offer their support?

Remember that a problem is not a problem unless it’s SOMEONE’s problem…and that’s usually you.  You have to view a situation as a problem in order for it to be one.  If I’m insecure about the fact that I don’t have a car and need to ride the bus or train everywhere, well then I’m in good company since there are MANY people who also do not have a car to drive places and are just fine with it.

Trust in your ability to deal with your insecurities.  By addressing them instead of avoiding them, you can empower yourself to new levels of confidence and ultimately happiness.

Journaling

Self-reflection is like grabbing a snapshot of yourself in time.  There are many ways to do this.  I prefer writing in a personal journal, but I also like to take periodic video journal entries.  There’s something about the emotions captured on video that can give a better grasp of your emotional state.  Audio journals, video journals, hand written, typed, no matter the method, the goal is the same:  to reflect and capture yourself for a moment.

Every once in a while, I will write in my personal journal.  I’ve noticed that the more often I post in my journal, the happier I feel overall.  The opposite is also true.  If I’ve gone too long without an entry into my personal journal, I will typically experience a higher degree of base level anxiety.

So what is the point?  I’ve discovered that it helps bring anxiety levels down… but why?  To answer that, we have to understand how anxiety is linked to behavior.  A quick analogy: watch ants crawling on the ground.  A lot of times they will crawl in random directions, presumably searching for food.  However, if you find a trail of ants, you can see that they clearly have a direction.  Going through life, we are a lot like the ants.  It’s hard to tell which direction you’re going, especially if you have a lot in front of you.  If somehow you could stop and see yourself from above, you’d recognize when you’re randomly dancing in circles vs. having moving in a clearly defined direction.  Self-reflection and journaling are a way of pausing to see where you’re going.

Third Person Perspective

I would like to take this analogy further by noting how useful it can be to view yourself from a 3rd person perspective.  How many times have you given a friend or a family member advice which seems so obvious to you, but they can’t seem to grasp it?   It’s the same with ourselves.  It’s hard to see the forest for the trees when you’re totally immersed.  Writing things down on paper can allow you to disconnect from yourself and/or a situation long enough to view it more fully.  I understand that sometimes its impossible to detach from our circumstances… But what if you imagined one of your closest friends with the same exact issue.  What advice would you give them?  It pays to be your own best friend, and it would only make sense for you to follow your own advice.

Honesty

Do we lie to ourselves?  Is it possible that in everyday life we are dishonest with ourselves just to ‘make it through’ the day?  Probably.  I know for a fact that I’ve told myself numerous lies and half-truths over the years because it was more comfortable.  It is more comfortable to believe a cozy lie than to face challenging truths.  Now this may come down to how you want to life your life.  For me, I know that I’d rather face the truth as a healthy skeptic, rather than allow myself to be twisted by lies.  If knowledge is power, than believing lies is the opposite.

Our subconscious minds run the show (for the most part) when facing a typical day.  Most of our decisions are made for us by whatever our more primitive brains decide.  This is based on what it has learned we prefer or do a lot.  If this is how we are most of the time, then we are subject to the lies the subconscious will throw our way to keep us appeased.  Self-reflective journalling is the key to breaking out of this.  Do you really want to know why you do the things you do?  You can probably find the answer if you stop lying to yourself.

I know this may sound harsh and bold, but I know that I still tell myself little lies to this day.  I’m aware of it, and I try to call myself out on it as often as I can….But its an uphill battle.  Perhaps only the most truly enlightened individuals on the planet have mastered this.  For you and me?  We don’t have to be masters to make a positive difference in our own lives.  It’s even easier if you are directing it towards a specific goal.

Pessimism versus Optimism

Know that person that always seems upbeat and positive?  I sometimes wish I could be like that person….But then other times I can’t stand them!  I know that depending on the situation I can be either… When things are busy or life is spiraling out of control, I definitely feel like a pessimist.  If I have been faithfully posting into my personal journal and working towards specific goals of mine, I tend to be more of an optimist.  I like to think of myself as an optimist, but I realize that I’m fully capable of getting down on myself and feeling fairly cynical.  It’s such a good feeling when I finally discover that I’ve unintentionally been putting a negative filter on all of my expectations…This allows me to slip that filter off.  Again, achieved with the help of journaling.

It’s good to periodically check yourself in this regard.  Would you rather be a pessimist or an optimist?  Which one will lead you in the direction you want to take your life?  There’s actually a quick analysis/experiment you can perform to see how you’re doing.  Next time you talk to a close friend or family member, what is the tone or subject matter of your discussion?  Do you bring up how happy and grateful you are in your current circumstances?  Or do you tend to whine and complain about how things could be better?

Do you think you’re a realist?  Is there even such a thing?  Some people pride themselves on having “realistic” expectations.  Having a neutral viewpoint is fine, however it’s rather boring if you ask me.  I’ve lived a lot of my life on the fence, teetering between pessimism and neutrality.  Having such a neutral viewpoint never motivated me towards action and pursuing things that excited me.  I’d rather be excited about possibilities vs trying to predict what will actually happen.  My advice is to pick a viewpoint and stay relatively consistent, its easier to pursue goals when your attitude is the one you choose.  If you default into an attitude of self-sabotage you probably won’t get very far.

Overall Drive

What is it that you are looking for?  Is your subconscious mind driving you towards a specific or vague goal?  What kind of life do you want?  Have you been living your life in line with your goals and beliefs?

I’ve worked with several people who are driving themselves mad and don’t even realize it.  There are also those who know that their behavior is destructive to themselves, but fail to even believe they have the power to fix it!  This is the ultimate in self-defeat.  Periodic self-reflection is so important in this regard.  You may have hopes and dreams that are very attainable, but if you’re actions are driven by self-defeating motives than a self-fulfilling prophecy will likely manifest.

I believe you should choose your own drive.  Choose which way you want to go.  Don’t just go with the flow if its going to make you frustrated, angry, anxious, sad, depressed, etc.  You probably wouldn’t be reading this article if you didn’t see room for improvement.  Take a moment to view your actions from above and try to determine your overall drive.  Is your drive really to achieve great things or make yourself happy?  Or do you think your overall drive is to perform the most convenient actions that will hopefully result in temporary pleasure?  I know of very guilty of the latter.

Focus of Thoughts

What do you think about each and every day?  Do you think about different things?  What are they related to?  Focus can be a powerful tool of creation….But it can also be a powerful time waster.  Your focus is closely related to your drive, but is more of a passive stream of thoughts.  You cannot always control this, but taking a look at it by paying attention to your thoughts is worth the look.

Sometimes I will get lost in thought about a book I’m reading, TV shows, things that happened to me in the past, things I have to do in the future, how difficult it will be to overcome my current situation…..Notice how this can spur an emotional reaction?  This probably happens more often than you know.  I know that I get anxious when I think too much about the future.  The weight of expectation typically brings my mood down a few notches which isn’t great for productivity or even simply quality of life.  Your focus is important, and its possible to find ways to improve it and steer it like a ship.

Steering your Life

If you can find ways to self-reflect, than you have the opportunity to influence your entire life path.  How could you intervene in your life if you don’t even know what’s going on?  Self-reflection is important for self-improvement, it’s really the first step.  Find ways to journal, experiment with different types, and keep a strict scheduled frequency.  The possibilities are endless.

Exercise

Create a journal.  I recommend typing on a laptop or desktop computer.  If you need a format or a place to start:

Title: includes the subject matter of whatever it is you decide to write about.  Sometimes I go with “Update 9/5/18”

• Things that are going well
• What’s troubling me
• Things I’m confused about
• How I feel

You can literally write about anything you want but if you’re stuck, I think this can be a great starting point.  Good luck!

Have you ever thought that you could plan how you want to think about something?

A key assumption that many people make, is that a thought or a concept has its own signature or set of facts which define it.  Basically the idea is that we all think about something the same way.  For example: a chair.  What comes to mind when you think of a chair?  Some people imagine a wooden chair with back support.  Some people may think of a luxurious recliner.  Others still think of a desk chair in a classroom.  Simple but clear example of how something can be different to different people… But what if we’re talking about things that are more complicated?

Say for example you want to try a new diet.  Some people instantly think of the pain of starving themselves because they believe all diets are for losing weight.  Some people think of meager portions, while others may think of all meat diets.  The point being, if we think of things differently from each other, can we change the beliefs we already have?

Strategy

The key to developing and sustaining a strategy for your thoughts is to latch onto a concept or idea that drives the process.  In fact, this concept or idea is even more powerful if you have an emotion attached to it.  Lets continue with the idea of a diet.  It might be easy to think of latching a positive emotion for encouragement, but you can also use negative ones.   Say you want to enact a “low carb” diet.  Associating negative emotions with sugary foods is a great way to strategize the way you think about dieting and specifically eating carbohydrates.  If you are overweight and want to shred some pound by eliminating carbs, you need to associate those foods with all of the pain and negativity that being overweight is causing you.  This is a conscious mental exercise you can perform right now.  Think about it.  Is your weight causing you to feel bad about your appearance?  How about the way you fit into clothes?  Is your weight causing you to have health problems?

All of that negativity can be used as a tool to help rethink the way you view carbs.  So yes, I know its uncomfortable to confront all of those issues…but you are basically putting them in a box…and its labeled ‘carbs’!  Good, because now you have a powerful motivator to keep you away from the carbohydrates which may be leading to all of these problems you have.

I know that in writing it seems easy, and of course its usually not.  It depends on how much of a change you’re looking to make.  Your subconscious brain may LOVE carbs so much, that even if you use the painful negative emotions, you will still fail.  That’s ok, because every victory is a step in the right direction.  You have to pat yourself on the back for every victory, but also be forgiving when you make a mistake.  Beating yourself up usually only leads to identification with failure which is not useful.

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